I've never been really good with jokes - but let's ease some tension and have a fun thread for a change:
Love is such a funny thing
Shaped something like a Lizard.
It wraps it's tail around your heart
And Nibbles at your GIZZARD!
So there’s this magician working on a small cruise ship. He’s been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn’t have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there’s this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks , “Behind his back! Behind his back!” Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn’t know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can’t just kill it. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don’t speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: “OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?”
OK, to keep it somewhat related to Logos, how about some Bible jokes:
-----
Q. Who is the shortest man in the Bible?
A. Bildad the Shuhite (pronounced "shoe-height"), one of Job's three friends
Q. What kind of car did Jesus' disciples drive?
A. Honda (because it says they continued steadfastly in one Accord after Jesus resurrection, Acts 1:14).
How many letters are in the Alphabet?
*****************
Eleven,
T-H-E-A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T
Did you hear about the guy who married a marine mammal enthusiast and after 40 days realized that he had a porpoise driven wife?
The little boy was staring at the list of names, each on it's own bronze name-plate, and arranged carefully on a large oak display board in the church's narthex. A flag, was positioned carefully and artfully over the display. The pastor noticed the boy and approached him silently. The boy seeing the pastor standing next to him asked, "who are all these people?""These are the names of those who died in the service," the pastor respectfully responded.The little boy hesitated before asking, "Was it the morning service or the evening service?"
OK, to keep it somewhat related to Logos, how about some Bible jokes: ----- Q. Who is the shortest man in the Bible? A. Bildad the Shuhite (pronounced "shoe-height"), one of Job's three friends -----
I thought the shortest man in the Bible was Peter, since he slept on his watch. [:D]
Hahahaha! That was good Richard. Never heard that before….
**************************
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A:Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Amiscellaneous assortment of jokes I've sent in for our church bulletin
------------------
A 7 Year Old takes a look at Psalm 23
"Mom?"asks a 7 yr old daughter, "will we be animals when we get to heaven?"
"Um,do you mean will there be animals in heaven?"
"No,I mean, will WE be animals?"
"Nooo,we don't become animals when we get to heaven, why do you ask?"
"Well,the Bible says 'we are His sheep!"
A ladywas mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Onlythe Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
Ruthand Ethel were sitting in church one Sunday where the service had stretchedwell past the traditional hour.
Ruthleaned over and whispered to Ethel "my butt's asleep."
Ethelsays "I know, I heard it snoring!!"
The children were linedup in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head ofthe table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on theapple tray: "Take ONE only. God is watching."
Moving further along thelunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watchingthe apples."
The children at the church are putting on a nativity play.
Three little boys with tea towels on their heads are playing theparts of the three kings.
They're bearing gifts -- boxes containing gold, frankincenseand myrhh.
The first boy sets down his box and says, "I bring yougold."
The second boy says, "I bring you myrhh."
And the third boy says, "Frank sent this."
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor wasvisiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obviousthat
someone was at home, butno answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out abusiness card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck itin the door.
When the offering wasprocessed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was thiscryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bibleto check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation3:20 begins
'Behold, I stand at thedoor and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden andI was afraid
for Iwas naked.'
Record Drought
"How dry is it?It's so dry that the Baptists are starting to baptize
by sprinkling, theMethodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians
are giving out rain-checks,and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and
Lutherans are prayingfor the wine to turn back into water."
A little boy wasoverheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry aboutit. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
After the christening ofhis baby brother in church, Tommy cried all the way home in the car.
Tommy's mother asked himthree times what was wrong. Finally, the lad sobbed, 'That preacher said hewanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with youguys!'
A Sunday school teacherasked the children as they were on the way to a church service, 'So, why is itnecessary for us to be quiet in church?'
One little girl replied,'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparingpancakes for her two young sons, Matt and Tommy.
The boys began to argueover who should get the first pancake. The mother saw the opportunity for amoral lesson.
'If Jesus were sittinghere, He would say, 'Let my brother have that first pancake, I can wait.'
Matt turned to hisyounger brother and said, 'Tommy, you be Jesus!'
Q. Which Bible characterhad no parents?
A. Joshua. He was theson of Nun.
Q. Who was the bestcomedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He broughtthe house down.
A Rabbi and a Priest aredriving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision withtremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither ofthe clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out oftheir cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're apriest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left,yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign fromGod!"
Pointing to the sky, hecontinues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives inpeace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies,"I agree with you completely.
This must surely be asign from God!"
The rabbi is looking athis car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completelydemolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us todrink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods inagreement.
The rabbi hands thebottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back tothe rabbi.
The rabbi takes thebottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled,asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies,"Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
A little girl was talkingto her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it wasphysically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though theywere a very large mammal their throat was very small.
The little girl statedJonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated awhale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said,"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked,"What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied,"Then you ask him."
A man attends a revivaland listens to the sermon. Afterwards, the pastor asks anyone with needs tocome forward and be prayed over.
The man gets in lineand, when it's his turn the pastor asks, "What do you want me to prayabout?"
He says, "Pastor, I needyou to pray for my hearing."
So the pastor puts onefinger in the man's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for awhile. He removes his hands and says, "How's your hearing now?"
The man replies, "Idon't know, pastor. It's not until next Monday."
A woman went to the PostOffice to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "Whatdenomination?"
Woman: "Oh, goodheavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Episcopal and 30 Catholic, and20 Lutheran."
Whatif it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would haveasked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Alittle girl asked her preacher dad, "Daddy why do you pray somuch?"
Hereplied, "So God can help me preach better sermons so people won't getbored and fall asleep."
Thelittle girl asked, "Then why hasn't he helped you?"
Mythical Bible websites:
www.bulznlambs.org (Levites)
www.fleece.com (Gideon)
www.SAM-I-AM.org (Samuel)
www.bookman.edu (Ezra)
www.fishers.net (Peter)
www.apostletoo.com (Paul)
www.kingme.gov (Herod)
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up, sees them, and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Peace to all! *smile* Here's a Visual Funny!
... The Saga of Noah and the Woodpecker...
My Dad's Better Than Your Dad (Number One)
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"
http://www.spotlightministries.org.uk/jokes.htm
A Baptist and Presbyterian were arguing over the proper mode for baptism. The Baptist insisted that full immersion was necessary, and the Presbyterian explained that in their tradition a sprinkling of water on the head was just fine.
P: So if I walked in up to my knees, would that be a real baptism?
B: No, it has to be full immersion.
P: What about if I went in up to my waist?
B: No, it has to be full immersion!
P: How about if I went in up to my neck?
B: No, man, I keep telling you. It has to be full immersion.
P: What about if I went in up to above my eyebrows, so that just a bit of my hair was still showing?
B: No, no, no. But if you went it just a little bit more that would be a real baptism!
P: So what you're telling me is: it's the water on the top of the head that counts!
Best laugh I have had in a month.
Here's one I dug up from long ago. Helps if you know the song:
With apologies to Dean Martin.........
That's Amore(no humming please)When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore.When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned That's a moray.When our habits are strange And our customs deranged That's our mores.When your horse munches straw And the bales total four That's some more hay.When Othello's poor wife becomes stabbed with a knife That's a Moor, eh?When a Japanese knight Used his sword in a fight That's Samurai.When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?When your boat comes home fine And you tied up her line That's a moor, eh?When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest That's some more "A"s!When on Mt. Cook you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo ray....A comedian-ham With the name Amsterdam That's a Morey.When your chocolate graham Is so full and so crammed That a smore, eh.When the beams hit the grate All the lines aren't straight, That's a Moire.When the ice scrapes for miles Rocks and mud into piles That's a moraineWhen you've had quite enough Of this dumb rhyming stuff That's "No more!", eh?
OK, to keep it somewhat related to Logos
Thankful for Vyrso freebie in Dec 2011 => http://vyrso.com/product/13525/laugh-out-loud-jokes-for-kids
Keep Smiling [:)]
A man is hit by a car and the attending policeman quickly realizes he's a goner. "This man's done for," he says, "is there a priest in the crowd?" A rabbi comes up and says, "Oy, I'm no priest but I live next to a Catholic church... I've heard their rituals so long I think I can do it." So the policeman tells him to go ahead since there's not much time anyway.
The rabbi leans over to the man and speaks into his ear, "B-21... O-10... I-15..."
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it!"
A Priestand a Rabbi were, by coincidence, sitting next to each other on a long flight.
About anhour passes and not a single word was exchanged by the two men. Finally, thePriest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you apersonal question"? The Rabbi said, "Of course, you may."
"Iunderstand that many of you Jewish people, especially Rabbis, keep kosher and,as such, don't eat things like bacon or ham". The Rabbi acknowledged that."Haven't you ever even tasted bacon or ham?", asked the Priest.
The Rabbiexplained, "Many years ago, I was a visiting Rabbi in a small town in themiddle of nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday morning. There was noone around so I ordered bacon and eggs. It was quite good but that was the onlytime that ever happened."
After sometime, the Rabbi turned to the Priest and said, "Father, do you mind if youask you a very personal question"? The Priest said OK.
"YouPriests take an oath of celibacy, right"?, asked the Rabbi. "Why,yes", answered the Priest, wondering where this was going.
"Well,haven't you ever had sex since you've become as Priest"?, asked the Rabbi.The Priest looked about nervous, leaned toward the rabbi and answered verysoftly, "As a young parishioner I was approached by a troubled woman whowas looking for my guidance. She was a beautiful, young woman and one thing ledto another. So, yes, just once I had sex with a woman".
A fewmoments pass and the Rabbi leans over to the Priest and says, "A lotbetter than pork, isn't it?"
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?" The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi. "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously. "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest. "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..." So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that? Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The Rabbi leaned back and said, "One of our boys made it!"
Good one Rosie.
A Baptist and Presbyterian were arguing over the proper mode for baptism. The Baptist insisted that full immersion was necessary, and the Presbyterian explained that in their tradition a sprinkling of water on the head was just fine. P: So if I walked in up to my knees, would that be a real baptism? B: No, it has to be full immersion. P: What about if I went in up to my waist? B: No, it has to be full immersion! P: How about if I went in up to my neck? B: No, man, I keep telling you. It has to be full immersion. P: What about if I went in up to above my eyebrows, so that just a bit of my hair was still showing? B: No, no, no. But if you went it just a little bit more that would be a real baptism! P: So what you're telling me is: it's the water on the top of the head that counts!
Cute [:D]
True story, similar: I'm a Presbyterian pastor, but some years ago I got to witness the baptism of my mother-in-law in a tiny, New England Baptist church. The baptism took place in a pond in the center of town. As it happened, it was raining. So I got to tell that Baptist pastor that God wasn't satisfied with full immersion & had provided sprinkling so the baptism would be ok. [:D]
This joke needs to be read out aloud to get the punch line.
A young couple were having a rehearsal for their wedding that was to be held the next day. The pastor noticed that the bride was looking rather apprehensive and asked her if everything was okay. She replied that there was so many things to remember. She was worried that she might forget something critical and mess up the wedding. The pastor told her that there were only three things that she needed to remember. First, she will walk down the aisle with her father. Then, she will give the vow at the altar. Finally, the congregation will sing a hymn. If she could just remember those three things, she would be fine. This was a great comfort to the bride and she went away with a new sense of confidence.
The big day arrived and the church was packed with well wishers. As the bride was walking down the aisle with her father she could be heard muttering under her breath:
"Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle, altar, hymn. Aisle,..."
Peace to my Logos Forums Brothers and Sisters! and Joy in the Lord! Always!
... and a bit of laughter ....
AYBD has a very large article on Humor and Wit, as well as that usage in The Holy Bible ...
From the AYBD -- HUMOR AND WIT. Because humor requires a somewhat “playful” disposition and a willingness (at least temporarily) to suspend all seriousness, many people—especially those with strong and well-defined religious beliefs—may be reluctant to admit that portions of Scripture may be funny or may have been written by someone trying to be humorous. The assumption often is that religion is serious and that it demands a transformation of human nature—especially the eradication of that aspect of human nature that derives pleasure from “worldly” things. Yet in the past century this theological assumption has been abandoned by many people, some of whom point out that humor can be a powerful vehicle for making important points, while others go further and insist that even biblical writing may have been intended primarily to entertain the reader. Because humor is such a fundamental aspect of human nature, there can be little doubt that the ancients laughed at things that struck them as funny. Of course, because humor is so greatly dependent upon the cultural conventions of the moment, it is often difficult (and sometimes impossible) for the modern Western mindset to appreciate what was humorous in ancient Israel or in the early Christian Church. Nevertheless, with the appropriate methodological cautions, something can be said about humor and wit in the ancient world from which the Bible emerged. This entry is intended to survey what is known about humor in antiquity and in the Bible. It consists of four articles, one surveying ancient Egypt, one surveying ancient Mesopotamia, one surveying the Hebrew Bible, and one surveying the NT.
Gary A. Herion[1]
Gary A. Herion Assistant Professor of Biblical Studies, Hartwick College, Oneonta, NY
[1] Herion, G. A. (1996). Humor and Wit. In D. N. Freedman (Ed.), . Vol. 3: The Anchor Yale Bible Dictionary (D. N. Freedman, Ed.) (325–326). New York: Doubleday.
So ... Here is perhaps a little PUN...ishment!
CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS1. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it..12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.20. A backward poet writes inverse.21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
